To Torment a Ranger
by Dautr abr du Sundavar
Summary: When Halt arrives home one evening to find Will high as a kite on candy given to him by a mysterious stranger, what will he do? Can he cure Will and find the stranger to punish her? And what's with the cookie-shaped bunny rabbits? Rated for mindless humor
1. The Beginning of the End of Sanity

**A/N: CAUTION: If you are allergic to any of the following in high doses, do not read this fic!: Stupidity, cheap humor, run-on sentences, hyperactive apprentice Rangers, extreme OOC-ness, singing/dancing/drunken-type activities that do not actually involve drunkenness. You have been warned.**

**Alrighty, here we go. This is the fourth non-collaboration chapter fic I've started. Let's hope I actually finish this one =/ To tell you the truth, this was supposed to be a oneshot. But then I thought "Hey! I could toss this in, end it at this point, and turn it into a chapter fic!" So I did. XD Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: *checks birth certificate* Nope...*checks passport* I need to renew that, but no...*checks signature* Nu-uh...hm. Well, it looks like I'm not John Flanagan or the owner of Ranger's Apprentice. Though my passport really is expired...**

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><p><span>Chapter 1: The Beginning of the End...of Sanity<span>

After a long, hard day, Halt was looking forward to getting home. He could light a fire, throw some soup on the stove, take his boots off, maybe even read a book. Yes, that sounded nice. He would put Abelard in the barn, go inside, toss some wood on the fire-

Except he wouldn't have to do that, because the fire was already lit.

He stopped, frowned. Yes, there was definitely a fire burning in his cabin. "That's not quite right," he whispered to Abelard.

The horse snorted softly and bobbed his head, seeming to agree with his master.

Halt led Abelard to the side of the road and approached his cabin on silent feet. He thought heard something...he frowned. Was that..._singing?_

He peered through the window, utterly confused. Who would be in his cabin in the middle of the night, with a fire burning, and _singing,_ of all things? Realization dawned when he spied Will – dancing, singing, and just plain bouncing off the walls. Literally.

Halt smirked and called Abelard over to him. He put the horse away and entered the cabin as silently as he could with the squeaky hinges. Not that it would have mattered if he had come charging in with a full contingent of heavy cavalry – the boy was so wrapped up in what he was doing that he wouldn't have batted an eye.

The elder Ranger leaned against a wall and eyed his apprentice with a single raised eyebrow of amusement.

Finally, the boy spotted him. "HALT!" he exclaimed, falling from the back of a chair in his joy. "I didn't know you were back!"

Halt blinked – the sentence was run together into a single word. "Yes," he said when he had decoded it, "so it would seem."

Will grinned up at his master, vibrating like an excited puppy. "How-long-have-you-been-standing-there?"

"About an hour."

The boy gasped dramatically, his eyes going as big as his mouth. "NO WAY!"

"Way."

"NO WAY!"

He might actually enjoy this if he wasn't careful. "Way."

"NO WAY!"

"Way."

"NO WAY!"

Okay, now it was just getting annoying. "Okay, fine!" Halt snapped. "Five minutes, if that."

Will squealed – it was the only word to describe the sound that emanated from his mouth – and said, "I KNEW IT! I KNEW YOU WERE LYING!" He began dancing in a circle around Halt, singing something about being right and cookie-shaped bunny rabbits.

Halt just stood there.

After thirty (very long) seconds or so of this, Will stopped mid-word and gasped again. "I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING!" he yelled – right in Halt's ear.

The older man rubbed the offended body part, but before he could make the waspish comment that sprang to his lips, Will gasped again. "ARE THOSE HONEY CAKES?"

Halt glanced past Will's trembling finger at the honey cakes he had set on the table. "No."

Will lowered his hand. "Oh."

Halt had just taken a breath to ask what, exactly, had gotten into his apprentice, when said apprentice suddenly grinned and shot to the front door of the cabin faster than an arrow from Halt's bow. "THE CHICKENS ARE ATTACKING!" he shouted, wide-eyed. "RUN, HALT! I'LL HOLD THEM OFF!" He grabbed for the nearest weapon – a stray leaf on the floor – which prompted a truly epic giggle fit.

As Will rolled around on the floor, laughing his little brain-damaged head off, Halt shook his head. "Will?" he said after two or three minutes.

The boy's head snapped up. "Yeah?"

"Are you...drunk?"

Will gasped again – if he didn't stop that, he was going to hyperventilate, Halt reflected – and said "NO!" with all the indignation a fifteen-or-so-year-old apprentice Ranger can muster.

Then Will frowned. "Well..."

_Oh, boy._

"See, when you were out, an' I was here alone, y'know, by myself, there was this girl, see, and she came to the door, see, and she had candy, see, only it wasn't candy like I'm used to, see, it's SO MUCH BETTER! And, see, I know I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers, but she knew my name, see, and she knew lotsa stuff about me, see, an' she looked kinda familiar, see, an' so I didn't really think about her as a stranger, see, an' I was hungry, an' she had candy, an' I tried a piece, an' it was GOOOOOOD candy! An' so she let me have ALL the candy, an' I was gonna just eat some of it, but then the next thing I know I ate all of it! An' right after that I started feeling funny, like my brain was fuzzy-"

"You have a brain?"

"-an' everything started shaking, an' I thought it was an earthquake, an' that'd be BAD! But it wasn't an earthquake, cause nothing fell, an' so I was like 'Whatever' cause I think I was getting hyper, an' then the creepy girl came back – did I mention she was creepy? She was creepy – an' was all like 'Mwahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!' an' I was like 'What?' an' she was like 'Nothing!' an' I was like 'Something' an' she was all 'No way! I'm innocent here! You're in no way conforming precisely to my evile'- I swear she said it with an e on the end- 'plan at all!' An' then she cackled again an' disappeared, like literally disappeared, like poof."

Halt heaved a deep, longsuffering sigh that was both deep and full of longsuffering. "Great," he muttered. "Yet more proof this author hates me."

A creepy, disembodied voice echoed from the shadows, laughing evilly. "Oh, my dear Halt," it said fondly. "I don't hate you. I torture you so because I _love_ you!"

"You have a twisted definition of love," he retorted as Will began tearing at the air like a demented dog.

The voice seemed to consider this for a moment. "True," it said happily. "I do. Now, I'll leave you boys to it..." The voice withdrew, cackling madly.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" Halt screamed at the ceiling.

Will blinked owlishly at him. "You shouldn't be so loud," he said. "Some people are trying to sleep."

"Grr..."

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><p><strong>AN: O_O I think I've been hanging around TheLunyOne (go check her out, she RAWKS, people! *shameless plug*) too much...**

**So anyway, whaddaya think? Please review! Reviews mean:  
>1. More Halt-torturing.<br>2. More hyper!Will.  
>3. More creepy disembodied voices.<br>4. More mindless/cheap/stupid humor.  
>5. More chapters! 8D<br>So review! Por favor! Per favore! C'il vous plait (I probably totally butchered that)! PLEEEEASE! :)**


	2. How to Calm a Hyped Up Apprentice

**A/N: Chappie two of the worst torture Halt has ever endured...well, at these hands, anyway XD**

**I'm not going to put a disclaimer on every chapter, because those things start to get annoying after a while :P Of course, if I mention something not RA-related (for whatever reason...) that needs disclaiming, I'll disclaim it. Other than that, though, it'll just be author's notes :)**

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><p><span>Chapter 2: How to Calm a Hyped-Up Apprentice (The Amateur's Guide to Achieving the Impossible)<span>

Halt sat in his chair, grinding his teeth (his mother was rolling in her grave) as he listened to Will's nonsensical babbling. The boy was simply hyper, he reminded himself. Basically drunk on sugar. Yes, that's it. No need to snap at him, no need to worry – not that he was, of course; that would be ridiculous – and definitely no need to-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

His musings and teeth-grinding were interrupted by Will's high-volume screech. He jumped up and whirled around to find Will upside down, tangled up in a rope that dangled from the ceiling.

Halt raised an eyebrow and placed his hands on his hips. "Do I want to ask how you got up there?" he said mildly.

Will scrunched his face up in thought. "I dunno," he said, unusually quiet.

The eyebrow climbed higher. "How you got up there or whether I want to ask?"

"Whether you want to ask."

Halt sighed. "I probably don't," he said, still making no move to let Will down. "But I'm going to anyway. How on earth did you get up there?"

Will looked away from his mentor. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you," he muttered.

"Try me."

Will hesitated, then mumbled something incoherent.

Halt sighed and tossed a knife, severing the cord that held Will up. The boy fell as Halt's knife clattered. "Now we can hear each other!" the Ranger said cheerfully as he retrieved his knife and Will rubbed his head. "So how did you get up there?"

Will hung his head. "The cookie-shaped bunny rabbits put me up there," he told the floor.

Halt sighed again, irritated now. "Right," he said shortly. "I'm sure. How about some tea?" he said abruptly.

Will looked at his mentor warily. "Tea?" he said.

Halt nodded vigorously. "Yes," he said. "Tea. I'm sure I have some. Somewhere."

Will nodded gingerly. "Fourth cupboard from the door, top shelf, in the back."

"Well," Halt said, not even questioning how Will knew this. "Then I guess we're having tea," he said. "With honey."

Will brightened at the mention of honey. "Honey?" he said eagerly.

"Honey," Halt nodded. Honey and chamomile, he thought. If he had any tea at all, it would be chamomile for sleeping. Hopefully that would help Will.

_One hour later..._

The tea had not helped Will. At all.

"HALT!"

He winced and turned to face his apprentice. If this kept happening, he would have to retire prematurely due to deafness. "Yes?" he said through clenched teeth.

His eyes were met with a strange sight as he turned. Will was holding a broom as a child would a toy horse-on-a-stick, with an old wooden rod Halt recognized only vaguely held swordlike in his right hand, and the most curious expression on his face. Halt couldn't tell if Will was supposed to be irritated or was simply having bowel trouble. Either way, he supposed, he may want to be concerned.

Upon hearing his mentor, Will turned to face him. "Not you," he said mildly. "This guy." He gestured in front of him with the rod.

Halt looked where Will had pointed. "Will?" he said.

"What?"

"There's no one there." Indeed, his apprentice had pointed to empty air.

Will rolled his eyes. "Of _course_ there's no one there," he said. "I'm not that dumb, Halt."

Oh, how Halt wanted to make the scathing reply that sprang to his lips. However, he had learned his lesson earlier in the evening when he had made a mildly sarcastic comment at Will's expense. The boy had been reduced to tears for a good ten minutes. Of course, he had abruptly bounced up and skipped merrily along after, but Halt still didn't want to listen to more blubbering. Besides, the noise reminded him that he had a heart, or at least a hole where one used to be. At any rate, he merely nodded and said, "I see."

That, apparently, was the wrong thing to say, as Will sighed heavily and dropped his horse-stick-broom. "Okay," he said with obviously exaggerated patience. "Here's the thing. There really is someone there, but he's not there, except he is, but he wants you to think he's not, so he's _invisible_, see – wait, no, he's invisible, you don't see. ANYway, the point is that he's invisible but he doesn't know that I know he's invisible and he really_ shouldn't_ know that I know that he's invisible cause that's how these types are you know and anyway he's the leader of the cookie-shaped bunny rabbits and he's trying to kill both of us and that's why he's invisible so we won't see him you know and he's ever-so-graciously allowing me this time out to explain it to you and IS THAT PIE?" He ran over to the window of the little cabin and pressed his face against it.

Halt blinked a few times. Sorting through the babble of words that had flowed from his apprentice, he frowned. This was the third time the cookie-shaped bunny rabbits had come up. Normally he might ignore such a thing – really, _cookie-shaped bunny rabbits_? – but now, knowing who had given Will the candy, such a thing would be unwise.

And apparently the rabbits were out to kill him and Will. Fabulous.

"Will," Halt said slowly, an idea forming.

Will turned from the window. "Yeah?"

Halt beckoned. "Come here, would you?"

Will didn't seem to move so much as appear next to Halt. "Yeah?" the boy said.

Halt blinked again, disconcerted. "How can you see the...er...cookie-shaped bunny rabbit if he's invisible?"

Will frowned in thought. "I don't know," he said. "Maybe it's the candy." He brightened. "Oooooooooooh...what if I have superpowers now?"

"I wouldn't-" Halt began, but got no farther.

"I HAVE SUPERPOWERS!" Will shouted to the heavens, running around the cabin and holding out his hands as though holding an invisible cape taut. "WHEEEE!" He clambered onto the back of a chair and jumped off, landing heavily. "Oops," he said sheepishly. "Guess I can't fly." He lit up again. "But I can RUUUUUN!" On the word, he ran out the back door and into the night, past a Halt who reached out far too late to stop him.

The older man sighed irritably. "So much for calming him," he said to the air. "Now I have to _find_ him." He grabbed his cloak and weapons, grumbling, and followed his apprentice out of the cabin.

Halt, though, actually closed the door behind him.

High in a tree behind the cabin, a pair of eyes watched the action below through a pair of spyglasses – Araluen's answer to binoculars, their owner thought. Cumbersome, but effective, and you could keep watch on two different places simultaneously. Very convenient in this case.

"When do we move?" grated a harsh voice – not the watcher, but the watcher's companion. Cloaked in shadow, all that could be seen of the speaker was a pair of long triangular ears. One of them had a ragged semicircular patch missing – a bite mark.

The watcher grinned slowly, a measured reveal of teeth that would not have been out of place on a fox or wolf. "Soon," the watcher whispered. "Very soon."

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><p><strong>AN: Duhn duhn duuuuhn! O_O Wow...the plot, it does thicken, no? Who were the watchers in the trees? What's the deal with the cookie-shaped bunny rabbits? Who started this whole mess by giving Will the mysterious candy that enables (or causes) him to see/hallucinate the cookie-shaped bunny rabbits? Answers to these questions shall follow in later chapters...**

**I know, chapters are short, but I tend to go for quality over quantity, you know? Plus, honestly, I want to give you guys quick updates :} I know I'm really bad about updating, and I'm trying to break that =/ But I do work to give you quality updates! That's gotta count for something!...Right? x)**

**Please review! I was very pleased to get such a response to the first chapter, and I'm hoping that all you who didn't review last time will this time. I promise I don't bite...unless you bite me first...;D**


	3. Of Shields and Chanting

**A/N: Yes, yes, I know it's been forever since I updated! I'm sorry! D: But I didn't discover how to really get my creative juices flowing until just recently, plus everything has been CRAAAAAZYYY! But I'm here now, and so is the new chapter! Enjoy! :)**

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><p><span>Of Main Character Shields and Chanty Bunny Thingys <span>

Halt was by now thoroughly irked. He had been following Will's tracks for a good hour, but beyond that there was no sign of his wayward apprentice. It was dark, with no moon, he was cold, and to top all that off, it had started to rain about fifteen minutes ago.

He hated rain.

Tugging the cowl of his cloak over his eyes for the dozenth time or so, Halt cursed bitterly – for the hundredth time or so. If he didn't find Will soon he would – well, he wasn't really sure what he would do, but it wouldn't be pretty. Probably-

Suddenly there was a noise off to his right. He gave no indication that he'd heard it, of course, but his senses rose to an even higher level of alertness. He knelt where he was, ostensibly examining Will's tracks. In fact, he was casting about with his senses for any indication of who – or _what_ – had made that small noise.

He couldn't tell what it was, but he knew it was armed. For an instant, he heard the projectile's passage through the air. He ducked just in time, but the whatever-it-was snagged the cowl of his cloak. Whoever was shooting at him was _good_ – good enough to get close enough that whatever was shot (or, possibly, thrown) would reach him so quickly.

It wasn't a Ranger, though, and therein lay his opponent's weakness. See, although Halt didn't know it, the members of the Ranger Corps were protected by a shield of awesomeness – admittedly rather weak, especially when compared to the main character shield Halt himself possessed (again, unknowingly) – but enough to keep them from severe bodily harm. This, of course, was the true reason behind the difficulty in killing a Ranger.

Halt didn't know any of this, though, and so none of the last paragraph went through his head. What did go through his head, however, was the instinct to shoot back at his shooter. The only problem: He had no idea where his shooter was. He had heard movement circling around behind him, but it had abruptly stopped – which, when combined with the skill Halt had previously noticed the shooter possessed, led him to believe that the movement he'd heard was a ruse. Meaning that his shooter could be anywhere.

He wasn't going to just lay still, though. Staying in a crouch, and thus presenting a more difficult target in the dark, he hurried onward and prayed he wasn't walking right into his shooter's path.

He wasn't, of course. There was a soft curse to his left and ever-so-slightly in front of him, but he quickly passed whoever had issued it. Within moments, Halt was confident – though not certain, and so on his guard – that he had lost his pursuer. Now the only questions were: Who was shooting at him, and why?

He was determined to find out.

As dawn colored the eastern sky, Halt wearily opened his back door. He had lost all signs of Will sometime after three, and the rain had not helped matters. The only good point was that he hadn't run across any more mysterious shooters. He had returned home in the faint hope that Will had, as well – and also to get some coffee in his system.

"HI HALT!"

The surprising sound of his apprentice's shout roused Halt from his fatigue- and thought-induced near-stupor. He jumped approximately ten feet in the air, shedding water from his cloak in a spray as he whirled to face the living room. "Will!"

The boy grinned impishly. "Didja miss me?" he asked.

Halt stared, dumbfounded. He would have thought his apprentice's hyperactivity would have worn off. Apparently, he was sadly mistaken – there was no way Will would be that cheeky with him under normal circumstances.

Irritable, he answered Will's question. "No, I did not," he snapped. "I did not miss you at all. In fact, I was hoping you would never come back."

Will's eyes widened and his lip started to tremble. _Oh, no..._Halt thought with dread.

"That's _mean!_" Will wailed, brown eyes filling with tears. "You don't mean that!...Do you?"

Halt sighed. It _had_ been mean; even he had to admit it. "No, I don't," he said gently. "I don't mean that at all."  
>He might have said more, but was prevented by Will's squeal of "Yay!" and his sudden race to envelop Halt in a massive hug. "I <em>knew<em> you didn't mean it! IknewitIknewitI_knew_it!" With every iteration of "knew it," Will squeezed his master tighter.

Gasping, Halt managed to choke out, "Yes...well...let _go, _Will..."

Let go he did, but Will was not idle. "OH!" he shouted. "Halt, you should've been here! The cookie-shaped bunny rabbits _came,_ and they were _looking_ for you, and they _asked_ about you, and Halt, I think they wanna _kill_ you!" His eyes were even wider than before as he stared earnestly at his master. "THEY WANNA KILL YOU, HALT!"

"I'm about ready to do some killing of my own," he groused. "You've already mentioned that little nugget," he said to Will, who frowned.

"I know, Halt," he said. "But now they're _really_ getting determined. Like seriously. They wanna kill you. And they're starting to consider not caring about collateral damage."

Halt blinked. "When did you get so serious?" he asked.

Will grinned. "Never!" he chirped, promptly trying and failing to do a handstand.

Halt sighed and shook his head.

It was about an hour before it began.

Halt first noticed the noise as one would a fly in another room – just on the edge of hearing, unnoticeable until you hear it, and impossible to ignore once you do. He looked up from the letter he was reading and frowned.

"Will," he said sharply, and something about the tone of his voice alerted his apprentice – who was gallivanting about behind Halt's back doing some wild thing or another – that now was not the time for play, however hyper he was.

Will stopped, frowned in his turn. "What is it?" he asked uneasily.

Halt stood slowly. "I'm not sure," he muttered. It sounded like low chanting, but the few words he could make out – at least, he thought they were individual words – were like nothing he had ever heard before. Even the cadence of the language didn't sound like Araluen or any tongue he knew of.

He moved soundlessly to the front window and peered out. What he saw made his eyes grow wide, and he quickly turned around to face Will, whose worried frown deepened. "What?" he whispered.

"Cookie...shaped...bunny rabbits..." Halt breathed incredulously. If he had never heard the phrase he would never be able to name the creatures surrounding his little cabin, and yet he knew that they could be nothing else. He turned back around to peer out the window again.

They were small, as would be expected of rabbits, of the cookie-shaped bunny variety or otherwise. Halt saw a variety of colors on his lawn, mostly shades of brown, but there were a few whites mixed in and he even thought he saw a black one somewhere close to the trees. When he realized he was gawping at the...creatures...outside, Halt quickly shut his mouth and grabbed his bow, though he left his quiver on the hook. Putting on his best grumpy-old-man persona – which was disturbingly easy – he strode to the door.

"What are you doing?" Will whispered, incredulous.

Halt glanced over his shoulder at his apprentice. "Watch and you'll find out," he said. He opened the door, walked onto his porch, and shook his bow as he yelled out into the clearing:

"Hey you kids! Get off my lawn!"

The rabbits steadfastly ignored him.

Halt scowled and, muttering under his breath, retreated into the cabin. Before he could close the door, something struck him between the shoulder blades. He swore he heard a snicker as he whipped around to glare around at the circle of rabbits, which seemed to be completely uninterrupted and absorbed in their task.

"Rabbits," Halt snorted, and slammed the door behind him to the best of his abilities, given the rather large amount of rust on the hinges.

Will was staring at his master, eyes practically bugging out of his head. "Why did you do that?" he squeaked.

Halt smirked, a very self-satisfied smirk. "So I could get a better look at them," he said.

Will blinked. "But you were looking out the window!"

"But the window didn't let me see the whole circle," Halt explained with exaggerated patience.

"But they could have killed you!" Will exclaimed.

Halt snorted. "That's probably what they're trying to do with this chanty thingy they're doing," he said. "I doubt they'd waste energy just killing me simply when they've gone to all this trouble."

"Idiot!" a voice hissed from the shadows. A furry paw reached out and slapped the head of the circle upside the head. The rabbit in the light, who had been leading the chant before the human came out of his cabin, winced in pain.

"I'm sorry, Master," he whimpered. He couldn't even remember the last time he had whimpered, but the speaker from the shadows struck more fear into the chanter's heart than anything else he had ever known.

"I do not want your apologies," issued that sibilant voice again. "I want an explanation."

There was a brief, expectant silence. The chanting rabbit snapped to attention and said nervously, "Um...my apologies, Master, but...I don't-"

That was as far as he got before a slim, dark blade sprouted from his chest. "Imbecile," drawled a different, colder voice from the darkness. "You didn't need him, Sensei." As this second voice spoke, the blade in the rabbit's chest melted away and the rabbit fell, dead.

"Are you kidding?" snapped the Sensei. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good chant leaders these days?"

The other voice became colder. "Is it really your concern...Sensei?"

The Sensei paused. "No," he said, his own voice carrying a chill, "but they are _my_ people. They are under _my_ command." He paused again. "Not yours."

The second voice was positively glacial now. Soft as a kitten's purr, deadlier than a tiger's growl, it said, "And you, _Sensei_-" managing to imbue the term of respect with more venomous mockery than a sarcastic king cobra's bite- "are under _my_ command. You work for _me_. Are we clear?"

There was silence for a moment, then the Sensei spoke, two words that seemed to be dragged from the most furious depths of his wrathful soul. "Yes, Mistress," he growled.

There was a flash of white in the darkness – the Mistress' feral grin. "Good," she said softly.

Will turned to Halt as the latter leaned his bow back in its place. "Why did you take your bow if you didn't shoot them?" the apprentice asked.

"Because I didn't have a cane," was the intentionally mysterious reply.

Will paused. "Did you really say 'chanty thingy' earlier?"

"...No."

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><p><strong>AN: For some reason, pumping Evanescence is really good for my parody muses. Weird...anyway, please review! I welcome each and every one, and who knows? Maybe one of you will say something to inspire the next chapter! :D**


	4. Dreams, Questions, and Gravity Tests

**A/N: I know, I know. I know it's been absolutely ages since my last update. I know I'm a terrible person. I know. But things have been getting kinda crazy around here lately :P Anyways, here's a new chapter for you! Wherein we meet some new characters, questions are asked, and answers are found – but do any of them matter?**

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><p><span>Dreams and Questions and Gravity, Oh My!<span>

The girl stood alone, in a white expanse which could have been a too-well-lit room or the depths of someone's mind. Not her own, she mused as the thought came to her, as her own mind was surely too dark and twisted to house such a pure and glorious place. Although, if she was in someone else's mind – here an evil grin came over her face – then who knew what she could find if she looked? Now, if the light would just-

_You,_ came a voice, from everywhere and nowhere, interrupting her thoughts.

"Me," she drawled in the same tone. She grinned cheekily. "Didja miss me?"

_Impertinent child,_ a different voice hissed. _Do you know with whom you speak?_

The girl snorted. "Of course I do," she said dismissively. "I mean, how many people – or, let's be honest here, beings – have the power to drag me out of a story and into a place that's nothing but a white glow? Hmm?" She smirked.

There was a sigh, and the first speaker said something in an indecipherable tongue. The second voice replied with some heat, and the unseen beings seemed to enter into a spirited debate. Finally, the second voice said something in a tone cold as ice, and was silent, its owner presumably having left. The first speaker sighed again and said, _I hope you're happy, girl._

"I'm never happy," she said cheerily. "Why, what'd ol' Stick-up-the-butt say?"

A chorus of snakes seemed to hiss around her, and the girl gulped. _You would do well to show respect,_ the voice said ominously. _I could simply do away with you and-_

"No!" the girl cried, eyes wide. "I-I mean...you wouldn't!" Silence. "W...would you?"

_Perhaps,_ the voice said, and the girl swore she could hear the smile the speaker wore. _But that is not why you were called here,_ it continued, growing serious.

The girl snorted again, any trace of fear gone. "So you mean you didn't pluck me from my story to berate me, try to scare me-"

Succeed _in scaring you,_ the voice interrupted, amused once more.

"-and bicker with your fellow disembodied voice? I'm surprised," the girl continued without missing a beat. "And for the record, you _so_ did not succeed in scaring me."

_Mmmh,_ the voice said, obviously unconvinced and still quite tickled.

"You can 'mmmh' me all you want, you didn't scare me," the girl said.

_Mmmh,_ the voice repeated. _Whatever you say, pet._

"I am not your _pet_," the girl snarled.

_Whatever you say._

She growled – literally. "Why am I here?"

The voice became serious again. _The question, _pet_, is not why you are here, but why Halt is _not_ here._

"What do you mean?" the girl said, still mutinous but growing wary.

_You know precisely what I mean,_ the voice snapped, obviously losing patience. _We had an arrangement which is not being kept. Amnesty for a sacrifice. You thus far have your amnesty, but I still have yet to see sacrifice._

"Yes, well..." It could almost be said that the girl was stammering. "There's a reason for that..."

_Which is?_

The girl took a deep breath, let it out slowly. "I think it boils down to his shielding."

The voice was silent for a while, more heartbeats than the girl would have liked – hers was pounding, though she would never admit it. _Explain,_ the voice finally said, cold as an ice cap.

"I employed the new agents, as you suggested," the girl said in the manner of a soldier giving a report. "They have repeatedly attempted to capture and/or kill the intended target, but have failed each time. Invisibility, forestry, magery – all their top methods have been too-easily foiled."

_What of the Shadows?_ hissed the voice. _Surely they have taken over the operation by now._

The girl hesitated. "Well, you see...the Sensei kinda...well, he doesn't like taking orders from a girl, let's just put it that way," she said with an uneasy chuckle. "You know, I didn't think you knew about-"

_Silence._

Her mouth snapped shut.

_Of course I knew of the Shadows,_ said the voice. _I am not called Supreme for nothing. After all, from where do you think fan fiction comes? But this is beside the point. What do you mean, it boils down to his shielding?_

The girl abandoned her attempts to wrap her head around what the voice had said about fan fiction and snapped back to attention. "His MC shielding," she said. "And, of course, his Ranger shield, but I could easily break that."

_An option you refuse,_ the voice put in.

The girl inclined her head in acknowledgment. "I didn't anticipate him being so difficult to get to with it," she said coolly. "But as I said, that can – and, when I return, will – be easily broken. His main character shield, however..." Here she hesitated. "Well, that poses more of a problem."

_Main characters die all the time,_ the voice said dismissively. _You yourself have killed a few, if memory serves._

"Yes," the girl admitted. "But you see, Halt...well..."

_Spit it out._ The voice was very obviously losing patience fast.

"I don't know what it is about him," the girl blurted, "but for some reason, his shield is stronger. I've never been able to touch him. It may be a shield of epicness, but those things are legendary – heck, do they even exist?"

The voice was silent for a long while. _They exist,_ it finally said, oh so slowly, _but none has been bestowed in so long...and I am not as young as I once was. He may indeed have a shield of epicness protecting him...and I may not remember._

"I thought you were supreme overlord?" the girl asked, not bitingly but genuinely curious. "Surely you'd remember if you gave someone a shield of epicness – for one thing, I'd think they'd be kinda hard to weave..." She trailed off, playing uncertainly with a strand of her long black hair.

_I am overlord,_ the voice said, still slow and heavy, _and I am supreme. But fiction is dying, pet. Fan fiction is dying. You mortals, you authors and even the characters, you cannot see it. You have short memories; all looks to you to be as it should. But I...I am old. And as fan fiction dies, so do I. So it is not only plausible, but probable, that I bestowed a shield of epicness and cannot remember._

The girl was quiet for the first time since she appeared in the whiteness. "I'm sorry," she finally whispered. "I didn't know."

_No,_ said the voice, brisk business once more. _Nor should anyone else,_ it added, the warning clear in its words.

The girl bowed. "Of course," she said, a soldier once more. Shaking her hair back as she straightened, she said, "So, if Halt does have a shield of epicness – and all the evidence says he does – what can be done? Can-" She stopped, biting her lip.

_Can I revoke it?_ completed the voice. She nodded. The voice sighed and said, _No. Not that I can recall. Once given, a shield of epicness cannot be taken back._

The girl heaved a sigh of her own. "I was afraid of that," she muttered. "Great. So what _can_ I do?" she asked the voice.

_Oh, you'll find a way to get what you want,_ the voice said, a note of amusement evident once again. _You always do._

"Now, that's not fair," the girl said, though she blushed. The whiteness grew foggy, and her blush faded as panic widened her eyes. "Wait!" she cried. "Why'd you say all that if you're not gonna help me?"

_You need no help,_ the voice said as it grew distant. _You have the resources to do what needs done – use __them._

The girl pouted as the pearlescent fog thickened. "You suck," she mumbled. "Some Supreme Fan Fiction Overlord you are."

_I love you too, pet,_ were the last, smiling words she heard.

"That's not creepy," were the last ones she muttered.

Halt stirred, then abruptly jolted upright. He realized he had fallen asleep sitting up in his chair – most unlike him. And he'd had the strangest dream...

"HALT!"

The wild cry pulled him from his musings of disembodied voices ringing through glowing-white rooms and back to the present reality of his cabin – a reality where Will was, for whatever reason, yelling his name. "What?" Halt grouched, rolling his head and wincing as he stretched a cramp.

Will was crouched in front of his master, brown eyes wide. "You were sleeping," he said in a tone of wonder. "You don't sleep at the day."

Ignoring his apprentice's grammatical shortcomings, Halt snapped, "So? Isn't a man entitled to a nap, particularly-" here he shot a glare Will's way- "if his apprentice had kept said man awake all night searching for the runaway apprentice?"

Will grinned, Halt's grumpiness utterly lost on him. "Nope!" he chirped. "Not when it's you!" He giggled – actually _giggled_, like a schoolgirl – and said, "I dunno _what_ that girl gave me, but it was goooooood..." He sighed and tailed off into a daydream, presumably fueled by and regarding sugary delights.

The boy's mention of the strange girl sparked something in Halt's mind. It may have been nothing, but in this kind of story, anything was possible..."Will," Halt began, speaking over the dangerous creaking sound made by the fourth wall.

Will snapped out of his reverie. "Yeah?" he said, bouncing on his heels.

"The girl who gave you the candy yesterday," Halt said slowly, "what did she look like?"

Will frowned, stopped bouncing, and rested his chin on one fist. "Well," he said, "she was, um, girl-shaped..."

_I got that much,_ Halt thought but refrained from saying.

"...an' she had this really really dark hair," Will continued. "At least, I think she did, but it was mostly in shadow...or maybe it _was_ shadow? I dunno, she was creepy an' weird, I wouldn't put much past her."

_And yet you took candy from her?_

"An' she was really pale, like unhealthy pale, but she didn't exactly look sick...I dunno. Maybe she just doesn't get out much. An' she was wearin' all black, an' a cloak, an' it was weird cuz it was almost like she wore the night itself..." He spaced out at this point, eyes big as Morgarath's ego.

Halt waited for Will to say something else, and was just about to give up (approximately twenty seconds after Will stopped talking) when Will burst out with an "Oh! And she had black eyes! Like, really creepy black eyes – I swear they were what really made her so creepy." With that final exclamation, he shuddered and started rocking back and forth – though whether from actual fear or magic candy withdrawal, Halt couldn't tell.

Ignoring his possibly-insane apprentice for the moment, Halt sat back in his chair and pondered. He had known it was a long shot, but really, what's a long shot to a Ranger? The girl Will had described was a dead ringer for the strange girl in his dream – if, indeed, he had even been dreaming. Was it possible, he thought, that the author was giving him a glimpse of the forces behind this particular piece of torment called a story? Once again completely disregarding the alarming groans of the fourth wall, Halt thought. Perhaps it was just for the readers' sakes, but in any event, Halt knew a bit more now than he had before – though he had even more questions. For instance, if the candy girl and the girl in his possibly-a-dream (he still shuddered a bit at the utter weirdness of the whole thing) were one and the same, then why had the girl given Will candy – and why had she and the voice spoken of a sacrifice? The voice, he supposed, was the Supreme Fan Fiction Overlord, whatever that was. But what was that business about shields and sacrifices and – this part actually came close to unsettling him – fiction itself dying? What did it all mean? Obviously the cookie-shaped bunny rabbits were the "agents" the girl had spoken of, but what were the Shadows? And did they have anything to do with the circle of chanters earlier that day? None of it made sense. If only-

A crash interrupted his musings. Halt snapped back to reality with a jerk and whirled around, only to find Will standing over a loose pile of broken glass, looking very sheepish.

"Jar fall down," Will said in the manner of a toddler testing gravity.

Halt sighed. "Clean it up," he said wearily.

"Yes, Halt."

The illusion of normality would have been perfect if Will had walked to get the broom rather than bounced.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Ooh, mystery! If the candy girl and the girl in the dream-which-may-not-have-been-a-dream (can anyone say The Matrix?) _are_ one and the same, as Halt seems to think they are, then what does that mean for a certain Ranger and his apprentice? Or are they even the same person at all? Who is this Supreme Fan Fiction Overlord anyway, and why was he/she/it talking about amnesty and a sacrifice? Amnesty from what, and what sort of sacrifice? All shall be explained in time, but will Halt and Will survive until then?**

**Please review! I really love it when you guys review – it gives me warmfuzzies ^&^ Also, I like to hear what you think, whether it's just a "Hey, I like your story" or you have theoretical answers to the questions that are piling up faster than ever. I welcome all! :) Concrit is also welcome, and please don't be afraid to give it. I want to give you guys quality material (at least, as quality as a parody can be XD) and I can't do that if there's something wrong with my writing.**


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